I am in the Bad Place.
I'm angry and sad and so very tempted to wiggle my toes under the scratchy wool blanket of depression just permit myself a good hearty "I'M DISCONTENTED" scream of anguish.
I feel like I'm not allowed to really be sad anymore because I am the only thing holding this whole thing together. If I can't handle it anymore, then he can't handle it anymore, and then we're left with a bigger mess than the one we started with.
I maybe need a break from all of this. Not like a "We Were on a Break" break. I just need some space to breathe. Space that isn't full of of boxes that aren't going to be moved anywhere. Space that doesn't remind me every day that it feels like we're failing, no matter how hard we keep at it. Space that isn't smothering me with it's codependence and inability to cope with what our life has become (but really, do I blame the space that can't? Just because I want to be able to take one goddamn shower without sad eyes begging me to share the water? Is that justification for being mad that I don't get to be the one to fall to pieces?). But where do I go? It won't go away just because I do for one night.
I am heavy-hearted, and I resent that I let it get this bad.
